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Next time someone tells you that you are "no rocket scientist" be sure to smile and say thanky!

First, there's NASA engineer, fundamentalist shithead and father of the year Rusty Yates, who kept impregnating his crazy wife -- even after her suicide attempt, her severe post-partum depression after kid #4 and the prescription for antipsychotic meds -- until she snapped. They lived in a bus for several years and home-schooled their kids because, according to Rusty, "The social integration that the world claims is so essential is exactly what we need to protect our children from." Why isn't fundamentalist, nutjob Christianity being blamed for this tragedy the way California liberalism is being blamed for producing John Walker Lindh?

Then there's former NASA engineer Larry Wood, who offers his unique and conspiracy-fueled interpretations of world events (complete with spine-tinglingly bizarre weather reports) at Bible Doctrine News. I keep looking for signs that this is an elaborate, Eggersian hoax. But Mr. Wood seems utterly sincere when he proclaims,

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention admitted their inability to diagnose the mysterious rash in school children after five months. The rash began in Indiana on October 4th, which was the day US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld snubbed Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, and left him out of the US war on terrorism. Now, everyone will say that's not true, but it is. Sharon decided on that day to go it alone. On that day the first cases of the mysterious rash were reported. There was also a whirlwind over the Dakotas and Great Lakes, as well as Indiana. The whirlwind represented the US decision to snub Israel. The Afghan war began three days later on October 7th.

The rash in school children is the curse of Baal. It is an intimacy problem. Why? because the skin represents intimacy. A nation under the power of Baal does not love its children. When the terrorists struck on September 11th, President Bush was pretending to be an elementary school teacher in Sarasota, Florida. He was pushing his education plan. The children are getting the rash in the schools. Schools full of Baal are destroying the children, and the government can't even diagnose the rash.

I mean, you can't argue with that, can you?

Moving on to the weather forecast for your region: "Today a large weather elephant stretched from the Great Lakes to Louisiana. Louisiana represents Simeon criminality and the Great Lakes represent a female in the region of Naphtali, the doe and symbol of peace. A plague of hail devastated La Paz, Bolivia. La Paz means the peace. Torrential rains triggered mud slides and caused a river to overflow its banks to add to the devastation in La Paz. Flooding represents the breakdown of Marriage Culture due to the promiscuous female, while hail represents the frigid female. This demonstrated what God thought of the peace process. It comes about due to the influence of promiscuous females, who, in turn, influence wimp males. The Middle East peace process has led Israel to the brink of war."

So, in summary, bad weather is caused by women who are either too sexual or not sexual enough. Or both. Or something.

What's Wood's take on the Yates trial, you might well ask? Apparently the devil and commies are behind it. "The Bible doesn't recognizes an insanity defense. It teaches that criminals should be executed, promptly. There will be no justice for her 5 dead children if she gets off. The number, 5, stands for a giant, such as Baal. The Yates home is at 942 Beachcomber Lane, where 42 stands for Baal, the bear, and Russia."

So there you have it.

Replies: 8 Confessions

What's a weather elephant?

Charlie @ 03/01/2002 07:56 PM CST


Read yr bible, son!

amyc @ 03/02/2002 07:08 AM CST


I just found my new most favoritest web site!

Phineas @ 03/04/2002 10:12 AM CST


I wonder if this guy knows about the Mexican Harvey Fierstein.

jima @ 03/04/2002 01:02 PM CST


Larry Wood, the next big cult leader that you'll hear about getting people to drink kool-aid and die or the sort. Beware the fruitcake this year! I've got his number.

imontohim @ 09/27/2003 09:18 AM CST


Larry Wood, the next big cult leader that you'll hear about getting people to drink kool-aid and die or the sort. Beware the fruitcake this year! I've got his number.

imontohim @ 09/27/2003 09:19 AM CST


Larry Wood, the next big cult leader that you'll hear about getting people to drink kool-aid and die or the sort. Beware the fruitcake this year! I've got his number.

imontohim @ 09/27/2003 09:20 AM CST


Larry Wood, the next big cult leader that you'll hear about getting people to drink kool-aid and die or the sort. Beware the fruitcake this year! I've got his number.

imontohim @ 09/27/2003 09:20 AM CST


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