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'When your grandchildren call you and say, `What did you learn today?' '' Brand said, holding up an underwater vibrator, 'You can say, `I learned about vibrators.' ''

Once, when I was a sass-mouthed teen, my mother was making bread from a mix that contained a substantial amount of dill. Being a wise-ass, I said, "Hey mom! You know what pickle bread is made of? Dill dough!" She gave me a look, the "I'm frowning because I don't want to laugh because that only seems to encourage you" look, so I left the kitchen to go watch TV. If you haven't met my mom, you should know that she's a polite Catholic lady who usually maintains an impressive amount of decorum, so I was completely unprepared for what happened next. My sainted mother poked her head around the corner into the TV room, declared "I just stuck the dill-dough in the oven," then cackled maniacally and went back to the kitchen. I have never fully recovered from this, so the idea of calling a grandparent and hearing about vibrator day at the rest home makes me want to crawl under my desk and hide. I mean, good for them and all. But please.

Replies: 4 Confessions

oh my god i had similar experience with my nice mommy. I remember one morning before school she was on the phone calling someone a dildo. I had no idea what it meant, but I thought it was such a wierd word- like dill the seasoning & the dough, how funny is that to a kid as a put down. Later that morning, she was driving me to grade school and I told her I thought that was the funniest name she had ever called anyone. She gave me a really funny look & shamefully said to herself "I shouldn't talk like that."

amy beth @ 01/06/2003 11:59 AM CST

There must be something about Michigan mothers and dill doughs...

jima @ 01/06/2003 02:02 PM CST

I went to a bachelor party and watched a drunk making out with a blow-up girl. I couldn't stop howling, and when I told my elderly father about it, He told me he once had a blow-up girlfriend. He gave her up when found out a blow-up guy was looking to kick his ass. I'm still howling. Have a nice day.

Dan D. @ 01/09/2003 09:58 PM CST

I have a movie comming out in late may called "Dill Dough" check it out at we got dildo logo shirts also they are sweet dill and soft dough

Patrick Bunton @ 04/14/2003 10:39 PM CST

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