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"Good morning, Senator Santorum's office."

"Good morning! Can you tell me if and how often Senator Santorum and his wife engage in oral sex?"

"Uh...I have no idea."

"Well, he doesn't believe people have a right to privacy about such things. Can you find out for me?"

"Well, if you want to write a letter, I'll send it down to our DC office."

"Thanks, I will!"

So that's what I'll be doing today. What's new with you?

edit: Here's the letter I sent to the Senator on thursday morning:

Dear Senator Santorum,

I am not a constituent of yours, but I am an American, and I think your Senate leadership position affects all of us. I am very curious about some of the statements you made in a recent interview with the Associated Press. I would appreciate your responses to the following questions:

1. The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution states: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized." Yet you stated in your interview that you do not believe Americans have a constitutional right to privacy. Do you think monitoring consensual sexual activity that occurs in private does not constitute an "unreasonable search" or violate the right of people to be "secure in their persons/houses"? Please explain.

2. If you do no believe Americans have a right to "consensual sex in their own homes," which government or law enforcement agency should monitor the sexual behavior of adults to prevent activities that you do not agree with? Should offenders be punished? Should they go to jail?

3. You stated in your interview that the purpose of marriage is to produce children. Should infertile couples not be allowed to marry, in your opinion? Should there be a time limit on fertile couples who marry that would annul their unions if they do not produce children? Do you think contraception should be illegal? Should people practicing contraception or undergoing surgical sterilization go to jail to protect the "fabric of society"?

4. Do you really not see a difference between consensual sexual activities engaged in by adults, and non-consensual activities such as rape, bestiality or incest? Do you think any sexual activity between consenting adults is inherently or potentially harmful enough to require the loss of the right to privacy?

5. What sort of sex do you and your wife practice in your home? Would you be willing to give details about this so the rest of us might know which behaviors and positions do not "undermine the fabric of society"? If not, what are you trying to hide?

I anxiously await your responses.

Replies: 19 Confessions

And more to the point, how often does he (or his wife) fuck their dog?

elavil @ 04/24/2003 09:55 AM CST

Last night on Leno Jay pointed out that Santorum has been quoted as saying that he has no problem with gay people. His problem is with gay sexual acts.

Leno suggested that perhaps he is having a problem with them because he is doing them wrong.

If you call Santorum's office again would you ask him if he is doing them correctly? Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding and if someone just helps him do them right he'll like them better.

ms. haplopia @ 04/24/2003 09:56 AM CST

Perhaps we should all just send big buckets of lube to his office.

amyc @ 04/24/2003 10:13 AM CST

or big buckets of crisco.

shechemist @ 04/24/2003 10:28 AM CST

or big buckets of crisco. butter flavor.

shechemist @ 04/24/2003 10:28 AM CST

maybe we should call and demand to know about his dog's sex life instead...

Liz @ 04/24/2003 09:04 PM CST

No, no, don't invade the dog's privacy. If you do, the next thing you know he'll be saying things like, people have been asking about my sex life, they've asked about my wife's sex life. They've even asked about the sex life of my little dog, Fala. Well, I don't resent the inquiries. And Mrs. Santorum doesn't resent the inquiries. But Fala does resent the inquiries.

Lowell @ 04/25/2003 05:36 PM CST

I'm pretty sure that you're all going to hell just for thinking about this stuff.

I urge you to visit immediately. You obviously need some insurance.

ms. haplopia @ 04/25/2003 08:09 PM CST

I'm sure L'il Ricky (the 2nd part of the Senatorial team we Pennsylvanians call "Dumb and Dumber") wouldn't be so upset if people would stop bringing up the stories about Richard Gere and his gerbils. Stop it, I say! Stop it!!

pickle @ 04/25/2003 09:01 PM CST

Lowell: Are you sure is little dog's name isn't "Checkers?" Fala is a Democrat's dog name.

Wonderwoman @ 04/25/2003 11:30 PM CST

Given Senator Santorum's interest in man-on-dog sexual acts...I wonder if perhaps the senator has a little internet porn addiction problem?

And since he doesn't think privacy is a "right", maybe his should be invaded relentlessly. What's his sex life like? Where does he shop? What's in his trash? What did he have for dinner last night? When was the last time he schtupped his wife?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Tekflower @ 04/26/2003 05:57 AM CST

I found his remarks about marriage being about children amusing. When Bob and Elizabeth Dole got married, there was no chance of her ever reproducing.

Eva Whitley @ 04/26/2003 08:35 AM CST

Someone should tell him about anal-ease.

noname @ 04/26/2003 10:44 AM CST

Brilliant letter, Rubber Nun! May Senator Santorum's office be deluged with similar queries - via phone, fax, email, postal mail, etc. - from all over the U.S.

Elle @ 04/26/2003 11:19 AM CST - The ultimate phone sex site.

Phone Sex @ 07/21/2003 02:09 PM CST


Alexis @ 10/12/2003 02:00 PM CST


Alexis @ 10/12/2003 02:00 PM CST

Very intriguing!

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