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So, someone around the block from us bought a Hummer. It doesn't even fit in the driveway -- its brutal snout edges out into the street past even the line of parked cars. It must be accomodated, swerved around. I have decided the person who owns this vehicle is an asshole.

In fact, I have decided that anyone who owns a Hummer is an asshole. I know this is not a new or revolutionary opinion, but these beasts are approaching ubiquity in Chicago, and my horror can no longer be contained. There are just no two ways about it. I mean, most SUV drivers are probably assholes, but maybe some of them actually do need to drive a machine as big as a living room. Perhaps they haul lumber every day, or drive half a dozen old folks to the doctor four times a week, or they have a disabled kid and must carry around medical supplies and wheelchairs and stuff. Those people I will cut some slack. (Not you, Trixie, tooling around Lincoln Park in your Ford Monstrosity with no more cargo than a cellphone and Starbucks cup. No slack-cutting for you. You are an idiot.)

But no one -- no one! -- needs a reconstituted military vehicle for getting around in America. It's just a $55,000 middle finger to the world, three tons of Fuck You to the environment, to other drivers, to national security, to common decency.

Obviously, trying to make Hummers illegal probably won't work. A campaign of shaming these selfish pricks by pointing out the damage they're doing to the world probably is also out of the question, as anyone who would even consider buying one is clearly devoid of shame. So perhaps the best way to fight this scourge is to appeal to one of the same traits that makes people want to drive the biggest, stupidest car on the road: vanity. We know they don't care about others, but perhaps they could be convinced if we appeal to their love of themselves. I'm thinking of making up some bumper stickers that say "That Hummer makes your dick look tiny" and "That Hummer adds ten pounds to your ass."

Replies: 5 Confessions

A good rant well supported although I believe you left out another bad thing about Hummers: the ugly colors. Although I would be delighted to join a campaign of mocking the midsections of everyone who drives a Hummer, I think the message they send is "I am impervious; you are trivial." I know you are normally against violence but perhaps the RPG?

elavil @ 05/27/2003 09:54 AM CST


ugh, i was thinking the same thing in california this weekend. they're everywhere! and, there are so many better cars to flaunt, if you must flaunt.

maybe putting my hammer to the hummer...oh wait, i don't believe violence is the answer. or, do i? exceptions can ALWAYS be made, right?

miss ellen @ 05/27/2003 12:08 PM CST


If the Hummer itself is an act of violence, would violence against Hummers therefore be self-defense?

amyc @ 05/27/2003 12:23 PM CST


Beat the Hummers into plowshares!

jima @ 05/27/2003 12:32 PM CST


near you, you say? humm.

I like the idea of idea of appealing to their vanity, but you are going about it the wrong way.

people in happy high gas milage cars or the carless by choice need to become objects of desire. or at least offered head, preferably within earshot of a H2 owner.

"wow you take public transportation everywhere? really? *licks lips* that is so hot. can I have your phone number?"

shechemist @ 05/27/2003 01:19 PM CST


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