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Bill O'Reilly bravely defends Christmas. Because he's the only man who will. The only one. Anywhere. Because nobody else in America has the guts to celebrate Christmas anymore! He's like Charlie Brown, hanging falafels on a scrawny little tree. Because his stocking is stuffed with balls, and Santa showed up early this year!

He also admits that only assholes listen to his radio show: "We have these creeps -- and they really are the most vile, despicable human beings in the country -- who listen to every word of the program."

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