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Oh my god, you guys! Did you know Hillary Clinton is old? Like, older than 40! And there's proof! And Rush Limbaugh says if we elect her, she's going to get older every single day!!!! (unlike, say, Mitt Romney.)

Holy crap! Whatever will we do? Drudge and Rush say our looks-obsessed culture will not abide having to look at an old lady every day (that's why Thatcher got that boob job). And then the terrorists win.

If I were Hillary (and I'm probably not, although I have notice myself getting older lately), I would issue a statement along the lines of:

"I'd like to thank Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge for their concern. If anyone knows the struggles of the unattractive in today's looks-obsessed culture, it's these two fine Americans. Poor Matt's loathing of his obvious physical deformities (not including the hat) has left him a deeply closeted lunatic. And Rush's battle against obesity and ass pimples has destroyed his three (so far) marriages and caused him to self-medicate with illegally obtained prescription narcotics and erectile dysfunction pills, which he brings with him when he visits underage Dominican hookers.

"But they don't have to worry about me! I'm wrinkly but strong, and I know the only true ugliness comes from within. Specifically from within Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh."

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